Boulders

“Come on” “venga” “core up” “nice and strong” I’m standing below the grandpa Peabody and these are the things coming out of the mouths of everyone around me including my own. Then I realize what I’m saying and and think “what the fuck does all this mean”. Bouldering, I’m not very good at it, I’ve never had to do a simultaneous heel hook toe hook while reaching for a slimper on any route I’ve ever climbed in my life. Also I’ve never been shut down on 11a and then been able to send 12- at the same cliff, whereas I’ve been shut down on v2 but been able to send v5. I guess it’s just my style.
Bouldering is hard and I’m not trying to discredit boulderers athleticism by pointing out the stereotypes they fall victim to. However they must be talked about:

  • First what’s the deal with all electronic music; don’t get me wrong, I can totally get behind some sick wobbles but the entire buttermilks sounds like R2-D2’s oh face.
    Next what’s with blowing on your fingertips as if they were a hot spoonful of tomato soup.
  • Why is everyone constantly taking sandpaper to their fingertips. Don’t they know that’ll make them raw, especially when they were just blowing on them because they hurt.
  • Shoes, does it really make a difference the downturn on this pair or the heel cup on that. I’m just trying to get my ass off the ground.
  • I’ve always stated that I’m a rock climber not a “rope” climber; I never knew that there is a distinction between the two.
  • Why is there so much body english? Move your heel just a hair higher, pucker your asshole and send.
  • Is every boulderer a photographer? Don’t they realize that no one gives a fuck about their 626 Instagram followers.
  • Can we all agree fuck the stick brush.

Bouldering seems very contrived; why do I have to start sitting on the ground, why can’t I grab that really good hold up there. What does it matter if my foot slips and I barely brush the pad. Also if there is a boulder behind my project I’m gonna lean up against it if I need a rest. If a route is rated 11c that means all the holds are on and I’m looking for the easiest way to get to the chains; but if a problem is rated v6 apparently you can only use the hold that are facing the wrong way. Also why am I so much weaker than everyone else. I climb well, so why are all these seventeen year olds so much better than me.
I was on the phone with a buddy in Joshua Tree and he was like “let’s go to bishop, it’ll be sick”. So like an idiot I agreed. When I showed up to the buttermilks my guard was up; I was expecting nothing but warm frothy spray, and all the stereotypes that I mentioned. But the reality is that I found the most beautifully welcoming community of rock climbers. People who celebrated your successes and lifted you up from your failures. Wonderfully supportive and safe climbing partners. People who held me when I said goodbye to my grandfather and who called me to check in as I drove across the country. People that I’m so grateful to call friends. And as we all know the best day of climbing in the buttermilks is spent at Rusty’s.

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